Well who would have Adam & Eve’d it (that means “believe it” to all my Indian readers)? India has gone and won itself a Gold medal at the Olympics, the first in 26 years and the first for any individual. The modesty in me says that this was in no small part thanks to me coming to India. But enough about that.

India is rejoicing. No longer is it the Great Britain of the Eurovision song contest (nil points). It’s made its position clear and has told the world…err, we might win another one at London 2012.

So what was this Gold medal in? The speed of Athletics? The energy of swimming? The grace of gymnastics? The thrill of rowing?

Umm, no, it was none of these. The gold medal came in the Mens Air Rifle competition. The Mens 10m Air Rifle competition to be more exact. You can nearly touch the target with your hand at that distance!

Still, it’s a Gold medal, and India is proud.

On another note, China are doing awesome! I wouldn’t be surprised if they topped the medals table this year. Added to that the whole event seems to be exceptionally well planned and executed. I wish I could say the same about the London 2012 Olympics, but who are we kidding? It’s going to be a farce, complete lack of planning run by incompetent fools who are doing it because they couldn’t get a job in the business world. I hope my opinion will prove to be misguided though.

Sidenote: Before my Indian friends chastise me and claim that sports in India don’t get the funding of countries like the UK, I would like to draw your attention to this BBC article. Zimbabwe, possibly one of the worlds worst run and mismanaged countries and easily with the worlds worst economy managed to win 3 medals in the last Olympics. If they can manage it with a shoestring economy, I’m sure India can manage it with a population of over 1bn people!

One of the things you learn to live with in India is their love for noise. Any noise. As long as it’s loud. They are truly not content until whatever noise they are making is perforating ear drums within a 1km radius. In the cinema the walls, floors and seats vibrate with the sound. At temples, there are bells, drums and singers blaring out from 6am onwards.

Most of it you learn to deal with, for example I can almost sleep through the bells and drums coming from the temple opposite my apartment.

One of the other things you learn to live with is the frequent power cuts, which usually happen at the most inconvenient moments, like when you are taking a shower with water heated by the electric heater. Power cuts are a fact of life though, so you must put up with them.

This morning was different though. Not satisfied with musical instruments, the temple decided to rig up a PA system right outside my bedroom and start playing old tamil movie songs at full volume. The female singers in Tamil songs sing at a couple of octaves higher than a falsetto. I’m sure there have been occasions where the note goes so high pitch you lose it for a few seconds as is goes out of human hearing before coming back again. I’m sure this is beautiful music to people growing up listening to it but to the people sleeping peacefully at 6am it’s quite torturous.

So, this kind of ultra-sonic noise is blaring out at 7am on Sunday morning. Half of me was relieved I decided to have a quiet night in and didn’t have a hangover to nurse with this audible torture going on, the other half was praying to the Hindu Gods (anyone that was listening would do) for a power cut to stop this painful music.

Well, not one for believing in miracles, barely 5 minutes after I asked for a power cut, I was duly granted one and peace and harmony returned to the streets of Chennai. Peace and harmony that admittedly includes the constant sound of horns, drums, bells, children shouting, planes flying overhead, men shouting at one another, building works and goodness knows what else. But at least there weren’t any ladies singing.

This post is in part inspired by one of the interns working at Agriya, he rides around Chennai on a scooter (clearly the heat has got to him, is he mad?!) and written about his experiences here.

So, it has inspired me to tell you all about the Chennai traffic rules.

First off, there are basically two official ways of getting a driving license in India:

• For those that don’t want to learn how to read, you take a practical driving test
• For those that don’t want to learn how to drive, you take a theoretical test

Incidentally there is a third, and far more popular method of “who needs a license?”.

Anyway, intrigued by what it takes to pass the theoretical test so I can get a license in Chennai, I did some digging and asked around.

After much hunting, I finally managed to get my hands on the answers to Chennai’s driving test. I’m putting it up here for you all to see, but I don’t know how long I can keep it up here for, they may demand that I remove it tomorrow.

Chennai Theoretical Driving Test Answers

1. What is the speed limit in built up areas?

As fast as your vehicle can go

 
2. When turning left, what procedure should you use?

Lean your elbow on the horn and look straight ahead
 
3. When you have missed your turning, what action should you take?

Conduct an emergency stop and put the car in to reverse. Ensure that you look straight ahead while leaning one elbow on the horn
 
4. When is it not appropriate to use your horn?

Trick question. It is always appropriate to use your horn
 
5. When you wish to pass a vehicle, what procedure do you follow?

Get as close to the vehicle as possible and lean your elbow on the horn,then decide whether you have enough room to pass to the left or the right
 
6. A vehicle behind you wishes to pass you, what do you do?

Lean your elbow on the horn
 
7. You wish to overtake on a blind bend, what procedures must you follow?

Lean your elbow on the horn and try and go out as far as you can in to the oncoming lane to see if anything is coming
 
8. What does a red traffic light signify?

Check for cops, lean your elbow on the horn and start edging out until you think you can make it across
 
9. What is the correct procedure for turning right at a busy junction?

Lean your elbow on the horn, and speed up to turn right as fast as possible
 
10. What is the correct gear to pull off in?

Second gear, while leaning your elbow on the horn
 
11. When lost, what procedure should you follow?

Lean your elbow on the horn, set your speed to 30mph, pull up along side an auto driving, lean across and wind down the passenger window and ask for directions. Ensure your right elbow is pressed against the horn at all times while gesturing with your left hand.
 
12. You see a girl walking down the street wearing jeans, what do you do?

Lean your elbow on the horn and stare at her until you can no longer see her out of your rear window
 
13. What is the purpose of the rear view mirror?

To hang CD’s from
 
14. Where is the correct place for the ornamental tissue box?

The parcel shelf
 
15. What is it important to remember while reversing?

Lean your elbow on the horn and look straight ahead so you can see where others are going
 
16. You notice that the tread on one of your tyres is completely bald. What urgent action do you take?

Check to make sure your horn is working
 
17. Who has right of way at a junction?

Whoever has the loudest horn
 
18. Everyone who is turning right at the junction is blocking the road ahead. You want to turn left. What should you do?

Lean your elbow on the horn, and drive slowly along the pavement
 
19. At night time, what two things is it important to remember?

Sound your horn every 10 seconds and set your lights to full beam so on-coming traffic can hear you and you can see them
 
20. You discover that your horn is broken, what do you do?

Take the bus to work

As I said, these answers are top secret, and I could be found out at any time. To any Chennaites reading this, I hope it serves you well and good luck with your test!

The thing that strikes you about everyone in Chennai (and one would assume hopefully the rest of India) is how nice, welcoming and generous everyone is (with the obvious exception of the scheming thieving tuk-tuk drivers!). People often say that Americans are full of hospitality, but compared to Tamil Nadu, they are not even close.

People are excruciatingly polite, very friendly, laid back and have the patience of a rock. Whether in the office, at home or out and about, you couldn’t ask to meet nicer people.

They are kittens.

However.

I’m about to reveal how to turn kittens in to savage, uncompromising lions.

Some kind of superhero metamorphis takes over them the moment they sit behind the wheel of a car or the handlebars of a motorbike.

The red mist descends over them and suddenly the opposite of how I’ve described them above is true. The fires of hell are lit behind their eyes, venom drips from their teeth and they become more highly strung than a violin string [yeah, I nicked that one from a Discworld novel!].

The thing about Indian drivers is that they simply do not want to stop, ever. Until they get to where they want to go. Come hell or high water, nothing in this world can stop them as they drive from A to B.

There is often talk of the New York minute where it’s the amount of time before the guy behind you beeps his horn after the traffic light turns green. In India they are beeping while the light is still red. As I have previously discussed, traffic lights are considered suggestions, and if there is any chance of making it across without stopping, then it will be done.

I have even had detours through petrol forecourts as tuk-tuk drivers attempt to evade the traffic lights.

As I said, absolutely nothing will stop Indian drivers as they attempt to get to their destination. The motorbike drivers will pile themselves through the tiniest of gaps at 60 mph just to keep going. They will weave in and out of cars, lorries and buses to get the front of a junction and continuously edge forward.

There is no mercy on the roads. The poor guy that runs out of petrol in the middle of the road, no one will stop to let him pull over. Want to turn right at the junction? Don’t wait for the traffic to ease, one because it never will, and two because no one will stop to allow you out – and certainly don’t think that because the light is green it’s safe to go. The guy that stalls his car will not get the benefit of the doubt as a bus driver attempts to become well acquainted with his boot whilst leaning on the horn with his elbow.

Pedestrians are simply other moving targets – which makes walking down the road a challenge as there are no pavements. OK, there are, but they usually double as someone’s house.

All the politeness, easy going laid back nature is forgotten. The car becomes a weapon. Get out of my way! ROAR!

Before you think I’m going to head off on some Mills & Boon romance thing, don’t worry, I’m not. This love affair is not of the romance kind but with a little gadget that no Indian can resist the charms of.

It is the mobile phone.

All around you see people clutching their mobile as if their life depends on it. I ask a member of staff to come in to my office, they will bring their mobile phone. We go in to the meeting room, they bring their mobile phone

What’s even more amazing is the inability to let a phone simply ring or turn it on silent. If a phone rings, an Indian has some built in desire to answer it, regardless of where they are or what they are doing.

For example, a couple of weeks ago we were interviewing someone for the position of Office Manager. Now common sense dictates it would be natural to turn our phone off or put it on silent during an interview, infact, one could say it would be foolish to go with your mobile switched on. But that’s not what I’ve experienced in India. In the middle of the interview, this guy’s phone goes off. Far from being mortified, he casually took the phone out of his pocket, and with barely an “excuse me” glance went on to answer it and have a conversation.

It doesn’t matter what the situation, they have an overwhelming desire to answer the phone. Here’s another example. The other day I went to a proper Muslim wedding. During the actual ceremony, loads of people were just chatting away on their mobiles, phones were ringing (and being answered!).

How about in a cinema, the ultimate faux pas would be to have your mobile phone go off in the middle of the film. Here, the majority of people are chatting away on their phones! The film soundtrack is accompanied by a cacophony of ringing cellphones.

Particularly annoying is the use of the mobile phone in the work place. Where one might think twice about taking a personal phone call while we are working, with alarming regularity you see guys and girls (mostly girls, from my unscientific observations) scurrying out of the office with their phone attached to their ear.

One of the contributing factors is that talk is so cheap. We’re talking less than a penny for a minute of talk time. Very rarely do they text one another, which is the preferred method of communication in the UK.

So there you go, another cultural learning experience for you 🙂

I’ve just come back from can only be described as the single most surreal event in my entire life. I’m still trying to mentally process what happened, because I’m not altogether too sure what has happened. If that makes sense.

Allow me to place the scene…

One of my work mates, Farooq, had his marriage  arranged. Farooq is 28, which is about the age the guys get married here in South India.

Anyway, this was a traditional Muslim wedding…and from an outsiders perspective, particularly a Westerner who’s only concept of a wedding is a bride walking down the aisle in a white dress, it was completely and utterly, well, surreal, as in, “is this actually happening?”.

The ceremony started at 11am, but that is to say, around 200 people were sitting in a big hall chatting to one another. This is the first thing that strikes you as odd as there are 2 ‘stages’ on opposite ends of the room. The men are all facing one stage and the women are all facing the other stage.

After about 3/4 hour in to the ‘ceremony’, the Groom comes in completely covered from head to toe in Jasmine flowers. He can’t see anything so he’s guided up the stairs and on to the stage facing all the men by a couple of guys. While this is happening, there’s no lull in noise from the guests, they are all sat in groups chatting away to each other or on the phone (a subject I feel should be looked at later).

When the groom is settled down, the bride enters, again, completely covered in Jasmine flowers and unable to see. She is guided to the stage on the opposite side of the room and sits down.

The Iman (Muslim Priest) then recites a few verses (no one is paying a blind bit of notice to all this) from the Koran and the Groom signs the bond papers. The marriage is now official and over – in less than 5 minutes.

The Groom is then taken over to meet his new in-laws, but not, it should be stressed, his new wife.

The Groom then returns to his stage and is blessed and greeted by all his friends and family. The bride is completely ignored – and still unable to see anything.

Eventually the bride is led out of the room and the guests go and have a meal which is semi-orchestrated by the Groom – who still hasn’t spoken to – or seen – his new wife.

After the meal, there is more meeting and greeting by the Groom, the bride has gone without even seeing her new husband!

Does that sound bizarre and surreal to you?

Obviously in Europe and America the Bride is the number one attraction and all eyes are on her. In a Muslim marriage in South India the bride is completely ignored – she doesn’t even get to sign the marriage papers!

Still, quite an experience, I’ll have to save the story of to and from the wedding for another day.

I’ve been in India now for (*checks watch) 1/3 of a year (or four months for those of you who don’t work in fractions), and I must admit, it really doesn’t seem that long. Weeks are zipping by, and, rather more depressingly, so are the weekends.

However, I’m beginning to wonder whether or not I’m cheating a little bit out here…or whether it’s just normal for any Westerner (as I’ve taken to referring myself as) to lead the type of life I am.

Take for example the apartment I’m living in right now. It’s brand new. So new, that when I moved in 4 months ago the place was still a building site. The place is fantastic, the right size, it feels like a holiday villa with it’s marble floors, en-suite bathrooms, balconies and roof top veranda (which is seriously calling out for a proper barbeque and beers one Saturday afternoon).

The apartment is decked out with flat screen TV’s, playstations, cinema surround sound, dvd players, cable tv, broadband with wifi router, 2 a/c units…and looking around I can see no less than 5 laptops.

It’s not really the sort of thing you think of when you think of India, is it?

The apartment is cleaned each morning, the washing up is done for me. I have to fight tooth and nail just to be able to do my own washing and ironing…although not really sure why I’m choosing to do it myself.

For dinner, I go to my friend’s parents house across the city, and his Mum cooks the most fantastic (and fattening) South Indian food you can imagine. Every meal is superb. But that brings me on to my next point, I’ve not even had to cook while being here…not even boiling some rice or pasta.

Transportation is usually courtesy of my friend who drives around everywhere (the Indian government is crippling itself by heavily subsidizing the price of fuel. Official inflation is running at 8%, they reckon without the fuel subsidy it would be as high as 17%!). The only time I use other transport is in the morning to get to work, occasionally at the weekends and after work.

The weekends are generally boozy, or have been the last few months (with some crazy-bad hangovers to boot). Either at one of the few bars and nightclubs in the city or at people’s homes. It’s definitely not your typical Indian weekend, where people have often told me on a Monday morning how their weekend was that they spent it “re-arranging my clothes shelves and doing my laundry”.

So, all this leads me to the conclusion that although I’m living in India, I’m kinda cheating.

Thoughts?